Your everywhere

My mind is sick .
You suffocate me.
I manipulate my life to have one glimpse into your soul.

We finally let go

You told me… It was complicated .. That our brains were wired differently ..that you could never be what I needed. That you would never be able to be needed. It hurts knowing I love someone that can not love me. You left the decision up to me .. It’s my choice to let you back in… My heart dangles on a string wrapped around your finger…

Somewhat freed

You gave me no closure however I have accepted that you have no desire to be there when I need you..it’s fucked up that at times all I can think of is your hands wrapped around my throat. I begged you nice from my knees… And yet you pushed me away.. I could follow you to the beginning just to relive the start.. Maybe then we would remember to slow down at our favorite parts… All I wanted was you

Validation

I just need you to validate how I feel.. Do I even mean anything to you?
Was it all a lie inside my head?
Was it pointless to even care about you .. Do you know how badly you have hurt me? Do all these feelings mean anything to you?
I drive down the street and think what I really want to do is have a screaming match with you and tell you what an immature little man you are.. I want to punch you and beat your face in while I say hateful things to you.. Because you have left me feeling used.. You have left me feeling like I never mattered and that I wasted time on you.. Please just give some validation .. That this was not all for nothing ……….

changing…changes..

Here we are sittling in silence…with the beat of our hearts going and the steady beat of music…its that awkward moment when I just want to scream ..but it just seems quite silly to do so..Its been so long since we did just this just sit…not drinking not fucking with each others heads..It seems almost surreal. I can not remember a time where I felt comfortable yet also in limbo of what to say..or do. 

Our lives seem to be going on two different directions and thats okay..I wish nothing more to be okay in the end..Things are changing so much drastically around me..I have a new job..not sure of what will come of that.. Its crazy to think that I will not be slinging coffee anymore. I am hoping this new job will give some needed stimulation to learning new things and not so much stress.. I am sure the whole idea of working big people hours will be awesome too..but will leave little time for relaxation with out children. I will miss my late night drinking and crazy outings..but it will be better for my marriage for sure. I will enjoy spending time with my children and my husband…but for sure will need to have some adult time scheduled in. 

So here I sit explaining all the crazy thoughts going through my brain.. and I am frustrated..frustrated that I can’t tell you any of it..

Crazy girl

Silence is making me crazy…
Crazy thinking of horrible things
Things I would like to do to make you feel
Feel something.. Anything…
Do you have the ability to feel anymore?
My world feels empty..
I shared my inner most convictions and you just tore me apart..
I left the ball in your court and you threw it out of bounds..
Why must you silence me?

Time for Nap

Only when my children nap..is when I feel I can do anything selfish…sometimes I wonder if all mom’s feel this way. I have begun to start trying to play the guitar ..at least learning some chords..it feels good to be stretching myself a little..I have also been doing a little art..sketching and watercolors mostly..I came home last night and my husband had made me a little art space..I guess he started to feel bad that he has a whole office devoted to all of his science projects and computer things..Regardless it was a nice gesture and I was happy to have it.

Lyrics..

So lately I have been really escaping into music..I find that sometimes lyrics move me to tears..and here lately I have found I have been so numb…I keep building walls up around my heart so I can not get hurt anymore..and then a song like this one will break that wall down..

Thank you Civil Twilight…for this amazing beautiful song..Human..

There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

That make us human
That make us human

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

That make us human
That make us human
Oh that make us human

 

Tremors

So this week has been filled with so much anxiety..that I really did think that I was having a stroke.. Turns out the anxiety was building into panic attacks.. I am not really sure what brought all this on… Starbucks has its usual stress nothing that I have not been able to handle before however the culmination of my two kids needs, new classes and routines have changed . I still think these reason are silly to warrant a panic attack..I guess the only thing left is to discuss the state of my friendships and whether I need to let go of a few.
Have you ever just felt like you are one of those people that is a convenient friend? Someone who is only needed when there is noone else to fill that void.. I think I have a few of those people in my life and should most likely start to forget about them. I guess their friendship was good while it lasted.. But is the hurt worth it? Most likely not..

Leadership

Each day I wake and go into work.. I ask myself ” how will I lead differently today? “It’s a never ending cycle of feeling as if I am on the right track only to be stunned with others reactions. I know I should never assume that people know something however I am surprised daily with how much coaching I have to give over simple things. Respect and dignity, work ethic and coaching are a few that I dealt with today. I have found over the years that honest and willingness to give it always do more for you than holding those truths back.. Will there ever be a time where those around me will know the same?